Most proposals are exactly what they seem. But a few warning signs, spotted early, can save a family from years of difficulty. None of these alone means "say no" — but each deserves a calm question or a closer look.
In the biodata and profile
- Facts that don't add up — age, education and job level that don't fit together.
- Only one old or heavily edited photo.
- Vague job lines ("business", "private job") that stay vague when you ask.
- Contact only through one person who is never available on video.
In the family
- Parents who avoid meeting or keep postponing a visit.
- Inconsistent stories from different family members.
- Pressure to decide fast — "another family is waiting", "muhurat is next week".
- Not allowing the boy and girl to talk alone.
In conversations
- Controlling questions — who you talk to, what you wear, where you go — before you're even engaged.
- Disrespect towards waiters, staff or their own family members.
- Contempt for your career or immediate demands to quit after marriage.
- Anger or sulking when you ask reasonable questions.
- Avoiding topics like previous relationships, health or debts.
- Mood swings or heavy drinking that show up at meetings or on calls.
Around money
- Dowry hints — "we don't ask, but you know what's expected". Dowry is illegal under the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961.
- Asking for money for any reason before marriage.
- Unusual interest in your family's property or income.
- Lavish promises that don't match their life.
After the roka
- New conditions appear — about the wedding, gifts, your job or where you'll live.
- Information you learn from others that the family hid.
How to respond
| Red flag | Calm response |
|---|---|
| Vague job | "We'd love to understand his work better — could you tell us more?" |
| Pressure to rush | "We take a few weeks for every proposal; we hope you understand." |
| Dowry hints | "We are clear there will be no lena-dena. We hope that's fine with you." |
| Controlling behaviour | Talk to your family; ask a second conversation about it; don't ignore it |
| Money requests | Stop. Don't pay. Verify everything. Report if needed (cybercrime.gov.in, 1930) |
The rule of two
If you notice two or more of these in the same proposal, slow down and verify before going further. Use the verification checklist.